michellewritesart

My imposter name

If you had to change your name, what would your new name be?

This question has surfaced on the shores of my imagination quite a lot of times.

What would I name myself if someday I decide to go rogue and off the grid. This needed to be a good and well backed up answer with reasons to state. Hence I took inspiration while searching baby names online, disney, famous personalities I knew or names which were rare and unique.

But my inspiration came from a book. A book that has obsessed me, possessed me and will stay with me forever. If you recognise this line from the paperback of any book, you already know what name I’ve picked.

Ms. Steele. Anastasia Steele. Also called as Ana. The name has done some magic on me and I can’t happen to get over it. It’s elegant, beautiful and graceful. All in one. Or maybe it’s because how powerful that name is in the book series 50 shades of Grey.

Not guilty. But I am bookworm and I have an insatiable hunger for mystery, thrillers and secrets. I started reading the 50 Shades book series in December 2022 and every page turned over has left me speechless. I am trying my best to avoid watching the movie series of this book until I’m done reading all three (I hope they do justice to the books written).

Hardly did I realise that the name; Anastasia Steele grew on me during this time. Her character is innocent, sweet, filled with compassion and moody. Just like someone I know. Just like me. Maybe it’s the similarities and common ground I share with her values that draws me to her name.

For that matters even Michelle Anastasia Steele would make a fine name. That way I can keep a piece of myself too in what I get called as. What do you think? What name did you pick?

Music and Me

Music associates with the brain in ways no medicine or therapy can.

From my standpoint, I’d rather listen to my favourite song on repeat than sit with a group of people to have a conversation; especially when I’m done and worn out.

I mean tell me how “Tere bina chaand ka sona khota re” would fail to put a smile on your face even if you’re feeling low about a billion other things. Don’t answer that, it’s a rhetorical question. The whole point being, the early 2000’s Bollywood music resonates with me more than anything else. It takes me back to those peaceful and joyful childhood days wherein I would be left with my imagination to create fake scenarios and act them out with a chunni and Indian ethnic wear, pretending to be some main lead in a movie.

It sucks when reality hits me hard with the words “stop pretending like the world revolves around you or you are not the beautiful innocent maiden whom every other prince charming is trying to woo”. Well My entire personality is based on this foundation with bricks of typical desi girl values of being rebellious and innocent at the same time.

Initially I was the quiet and introverted type. Never spoke back or made friends with the whole world. Just me and my studies. That’s all that ever existed. This routine was shattered when I entered higher secondary and college. It changed me in a bazillion ways and it changed me for good. I learnt and unlearnt patience, empathy and integrity only to become a version of myself, I didn’t know existed. I was doubtful and scared about everything- I didn’t know whom to trust and most importantly how to trust.

When you set sail one must know where they came from, where they are and where they are headed. Whatever course you set, make waves and leave a mark behind. For me, this mark, this map that helped me navigate was Music. It helped me understand myself as things around me changed. At times, I would need music to understand if what I am doing is really what I want to do. The best part was producing music of my own, through covers or simply dallying around old tunes.

It has always been music. A therapist or psychologist can just check my spotify trail and make out the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on. And though I don’t give away much, if you’ve found my music playlist, you’ve just found my trunk of said unsaid words.

I hope music saves the world as much as it saves me and manh am I glad that it doesn’t have a heavy price tag. My closest and dearest friends are gems of music and keep me sane with their awesome recommendations that I deeply adore. Super grateful, you guys are the “surr” to my “geet”.

Cheers!!

Life Lately..

Hey,

Been a super long time since I last posted here. But I’m back with boat loads of stories I’d love to share. Lettuce go!

To begin with,
2022 came to an end and 2023 seems to be in a hurry to get done with its role too. Yes! It’s already May and each month in 2023 has been a ski ride. Things were new and dynamic every month. LOL!!

Starting with the never ending list of birthdays in January. Kudos if you’re a January baby too just like me. This month was a lot of outings and a new job (which keeps me busy most of the time). Overall a 4 out of 5 from my end.

Followed by February which being the month of “love” but not really a lot of “love” showered on me this month. Things got intense with drama with my homies and I felt triggered, cornered rather. Tears were shed, warnings were slammed, I felt like my cover was blown. What a shame Nancy Drew! Is this how shallow your undercover image was? My pro tip, hanging out in secret, with a group is much better than hanging out with one person. I’d give February a 2 out for 5 for breaking hell loose.

After the much disastrous and ground wrecking February came March. It was lent season according to the Roman catholic calendar and I promised to clean my act. Not before the homies, then at least before someone who it really mattered. I kept the lent fast and abstained from eating meat during lent this year. To my greatest surprise, I made it! I can say it is a miracle that I could pull this off. Otherwise being me, saying no to non-veg is next to impossible. The best part was, I didn’t have any aftermath of February, though the impact could still be felt and I was always on my guard. March was a 4 out of 5 for being nice and kind to me (though I had a fair share of breakdowns).

April was a continuation of the lent season and I have been a good girl; obeying my parents, going for confession and most importantly not using my content writing skills to create stories as cover-ups when I went roaming around. Hehehehe (iykwim). Easter went really well and there were quite a few weddings in the neighbourhood which gave me Christmas vibes with the deco around. April went smooth so I’d give it a 3.5 out of 5.

A few things have really stuck to me this 2023 and I would love to leave them here for those who might find it useful:

1. Keep moving: I have begun going for walks early mornings with my mother. The world is quieter and calmer with a vibe of its own in the air. Nothing feels better than exercising those thighs and calves by simply walking and meeting random strangers who say good morning to you. An hour of this plain and simple exercise can set a lot of things straight and wake your body up for the rest of the day.

2. Do it with intention: Now on those days when I could not go for a one hour walk, I had no choice but to get home and workout in the evening after work. As far as I know myself, I need some serious motivation to start off with my workout session. Once I clear my mind and get to it I do it with 100% concentration and some pretty dramatic music (sometimes). I know that the job’s done when I become a waterfall of sweat and feel as dry as a desert.

3.Get your daily bread of wisdom: This is my greatest and best takeaway from the lent season. This was the advice given to me by the priest I went to for confession. It was a dramatic confession, like the universe conspired for me to hear those words. The priest was leaving and I was the last person who had rushed to the church through the Shigmo traffic in my town. Luckily, I knew the priest and he agreed to sit with me. When he gave me that advice, I felt like I knew what I had to do. I had to use my gifts, talents, skills, resources and stories to be a channel of wisdom to save myself. The best way to source wisdom was to read books and be more of who I am instead of being bombarded with what social media would manipulate me to be. I’ve also watched good web series that reflected on what I personally enjoy. Honestly, I haven’t felt better ever since.

4. Make yourself a priority: I do not mean be selfish and self-centred. I want you to draw your boundaries and protect yourself. Eat healthy food, stay hydrated, visit the doctor if you’re not feeling okay or simply go for a regular check-up. Save money for yourself and your needs. Nourishing yourself and pampering yourself is not a CRIME. Trust me. If something does not feel right, don’t push yourself but also don’t hold yourself back from learning new things. Bottomline, equip yourself with skills that will make you more self dependent.

Well, these were the 4 most important “life hacks” I’ve been sticking to. It has helped me to get my head straight and clear my focus. I’ll be adding more about my “Daily bread of wisdom” in my next blog.
I hope this rant makes sense to you and points you in a better direction for what’s left of 2023.

Until next time.

Love love
Mich

Trust Issues…

As a girl brought up in a middle class family, I was raised in a way to hide my opinions, thoughts and most importantly FEELINGS. A constant dilemma where letting it out felt like a crime and holding it in felt like suicide. Its beyond difficult to make a choice and even more challenging to stick to it for a person like me. The minute you put your shield down before someone they will attack you- this is the kind of belief we are brought up with. How on Earth then should I ever trust anyone?

Amongst all this mental ruckus between choosing whom to trust and whom not to, we end up missing out on life. Don’t we? Its like standing in a beautiful town at a crossroad and not able to decide which turn to take. We don’t want to miss out on the views or face any dangers if we take the wrong path. Naina said, “Jitna bhi try karlo kuch na kuch chutega hi. Toh jahan hai wahi ka mazza lete hai.” Isn’t it better to just choose something, stop evaluating the if’s and but’s and live like there is no tomorrow. I mean what’s the worst that can happen- death? That is ultimately coming anyways for everyone.

Besides, trusting someone and venting your heart out to them is not a sign of weakness- I feel its the bravest thing to do. I totally salute those that have the courage to open up and have absolutely no trust issues. In this cruel world, being innocent is the riskiest and yet having he courage of going through the worst and sharing about the same is a sign that we have healed.

Live and let live. You cannot trust everyone and you cannot please everyone too. Period.

Crazy Stupid Love

I know it sounds crazy and cringe

But like everyone, the 8 million more

I fell in love when I least expected

And the funny thing about this feeling

Its crazy like a cat running around aimlessly

Its stupid like an owl staring at the moon

Its a fantasy peeping into reality

Until I knock myself into reality and ask myself to pay attention

Its intimidating and unnerving

Unsettling and peaceful

And though I am a CHAI person

But Love is definitely not my cup of tea

Came to say Hiee

Dear Diary,

Its been a super long time since I gave you some serious attention – SO FINALLY- here I am.

Life has been a roller-coaster ride and I didn’t know when will I finally get to stop and breathe. Here’s a quick update on what life has been since September – the last when I wrote a blog.

Trust me a lot of LIFE has happened, my overthinking has fluctuated more than the stock market and yet I have managed to keep my sanity- three cheers to that. The most happiest and the saddest moments have dawned on me and I am equally thankful for them because I wouldn’t be what I am and I wouldn’t have learnt what I have if it wasn’t for them.

I’m gonna give you a sandwich update about things. The good thing since September is I have made some beautiful set of friends who I love and cherish – these guys are like my long lost family. I love them and feel super grateful to God that I have these people around me. They have made me realise and understand that love doesn’t need grand gestures and no one is too busy for the ones they care about.

The not so happy part is that my one good old friend has drifted away. I can barely see this person in my life anymore & I don’t know why the “cold war bro”. It saddens me because “jaate nahi kahi rishte poorane, kisi naye ke aa jaane se” sounds good in movies but in reality this line is not convincing enough. I wish I could turn back time but oh well!! This person broke my heart okay- dukh, dard, pida (at max pro level)

Moreover, I got to know that everything and everyone is not as it seems. We have to choose whom to trust and whom not to. This is probably where my kindness and humanity fails me because even if its a snake that’s hurt, I’ll go rescue it irrespective of how dangerous the snake is – coz that’s how I am (naïve ).

The next good thing is that Christmas is around and a lot of deco and prep goes around in Panjim. Its beautiful to see the state capital lit up like a thousand stars. IFFI is just a beautiful trailer to the Christmas season that can be felt approaching. That city has mesmerized me to an extent I cannot describe.

Yea, so that’s my sandwich of the goods and the bad in my 21’s.

And yes, there have been a few Hailee’s comets of good people (who also look cute) ….

Overall, the past few months have been cherishing and worth living for. When I pray for wisdom I feel God takes me too seriously and puts me through the best of the worst. Though I am grateful for every little thing and will take the leap of faith to make mistakes and learn from them..

At the end of 2022, I want to be happy with a oh well, then a what if ..

Cheers!!!

Emotional Anastasia

Warm hugs and yet I feel soaked
Nothing thrills
Like I'm sleeping; never awoke

Remorsing about my past or always too alive
What am I afraid of
The people? Or me being naïve?

I smile, I laugh, I rejoice with every affection
But wont' let you in
I have a fort of protection

An eccentric feeling no song can describe
Tricking myself talk, feels like a crime
A bribe

Its cats raddle and rubix cubes
Jumbled and tightly packed
Trust me solving the confusion
Only leads to more fret

Thus I soak in this numbness
Of being alive and not
Wrap it around my heart, give it my best shot

Makes me heartless
Confused to feelings I once knew
Values no opinions
Okay! Barely and rarely a few

It bars, confronts and draws a fine line
Between what is real and fake
What is temporary and not mine

It isn't sad or gloomy- take me by no surprise
It feels like summer breeze
With hopes of a new sunrise

Panjim Diaries

“We travel not to escape life, but so that life does not escape us.”

Travelling had always been a breather for me no matter what the situation was. Feeling lazy- go for a cycling ride, had a bad day at college- take a solo ride to the Chandreshwar mountain, feeling low- sit by the lake at Deusa church, having a hectic week- take your gang for kayaking over the weekend.

So you see, multiple problems- ONE solution- Just go Travel.

Travelling to nature or scenic spots to find peace was my one route to peace the other one was taking a road trip to a city and exploring around. And my favourite city streets lie in Panjim.

Panjim has a whole vibe to it. The city is located on the banks of the Mandovi river and has a Portuguese touch in all its architectures. It is a blend of river music, city chaos, breezy winds and a touch of the Miramar beach. From local markets to branded stores everything is available just at a foot’s distance. Life feels just right and complete in Panjim. (take it from a person who travels more than an hour to get there)

As a person who enjoys challenges and is stubborn to some other level altogether, I took up this challenge of travelling to this city on a regular basis due to work related reasons. I realised that to get to the capital of Goa, being a resident of Goa would take me more or less two hours. Goa is a small state but getting from point A to point B is never a straight line and definitely doesn’t have a straight route. Being the annoying optimist that I am, I find the silver lining in these long morning bus rides and even longer evening bus rides back home.

The Panjim bus stop is a sight for the eyes. It’s the typical anecdote one, would take to add in their essay on “An hour at the Bus-stop”. Lol:) !!! The city streets are spick and span and the houses are well maintained and painted with colours of rich blue and pastel yellow. As much as one can enjoy the architecture- the people moving around are fun to observe too. One can spot a variety of people in this city- an artist aesthetically painting the glassdoor of a comfy-looking cafe by the street or a bunch of well-dressed youngsters taking a break from their casino shifts and chit-chatting by the streets.

Every stop the bus makes builds up a new tale in itself. The very few days that I’ve started travelling by this “not-so-convenient” means of transport, I choose to find inspiration in the little things and events that happen in my life and especially of others around me. Maybe I’ll hit a conversation with the stranger who catches the same bus as me every evening, maybe I’ll shoutout a “good-morning” to the security guard outside the cafe I walk past every morning and see what stories he has to share.

A conversation can take you to so many places and bring so many ideas to your door. A conversation can help you find those undiscovered cafes and local food trucks with the best dishes and even engrossing stories. Because at the end of the day it is the stories we want to share and the stories we want to be heard and this is EXACTLY what I am here for.

When the limits hit…

Ever got so annoyed that you wished the person were dead? Wished you never met them? Wished you’d never see them again?

This is maybe just another way of my mind telling me that I need a break. There is a beauty at the way my mind asks me to cut down and pause for a while. It takes me on different mood swings from being entirely calm to being infuriated for no reason at all. Just stating facts, my values and virtues get affected by people I surround myself with. My mind is more like a plant that reacts to things that go on around me.

I cannot be this heartless person who is okay being friends with someone who never sees the fault towards their behaviour to others. Someone who uses people and then leaves them. Taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability and loneliness just for your advantage is evil. Even if the other person is willing to self-sabotage themselves its not right on your behalf to just let them go ahead with it.

Even if life sucks- doesn’t mean you let conscious be blinded by the way life treats you. What is wrong is wrong. No matter how beneficial and advantageous it can be to you. Our conscious and thinking is what makes us Human or else we are just Heartless Beasts, aren’t we?

When it comes to me and I see anyone around me doing this kind of crap, I choose to do two things: confront them or leave them. Confronting them would make them aware of my opinion regarding their behaviour and what I feel is not right as per my opinion. Even if they give me the best of explanation for them to entertain that unrighteous path- I be firm that its wrong and should be stopped.

If confrontation does not work and there seems to be no respect for my opinion and words of advice- I leave. I’d rather not be a part of something that’s going to ruin innocent lives when I know I could’ve stopped the worst from happening. Its basic human nature to be kind or what are we even then?

Relations and bonds should be treasured but if they seem to get toxic- its worth a shot to try solving them, saving them and praying for them. If nothing works and yet you choose to stay- remember its you trying to sabotage your life because it will affect your character. Eventually you too will become a heartless person and your true self will be lost. And what’s the point if you save your friendship but lose your soul? It won’t be you anymore.

Everyone deserves a happy ending- and remember you too are an “everyone”. You don’t have to bear with something that doesn’t fit your personality. Learn to prioritise your virtues because that is what sets you apart and makes You the amazing radiating person you are. Therefore, take a break from toxicity, leave them behind, move towards things that make you feel at home and be at peace.

Photo by Sebastian Voortman on Pexels.com

Positive Talk, Negative World

Ever wondered why your focus shifts to the negative and low feelings even though there are a hundred things to be happy about? Well, the human mind is trained to pay attention to what’s going wrong and wishes to set those things right.

A negative mindset will never give you a positive life. The universe conspiring to help you meet your goals is a real thing. Trust me! Great artists and thinkers such as Tansen would emit vibes through their music which would make lamps light up in their own in Akbar’s royal court.

Buddha gained enlightenment by focusing on his inner soul and meditating on the positive vibes. A human who has trained his/her mind has the entire world in their hands. Therefore its best and wise to stay positive, focus on the present and emit positivity wherever you go.

Remember, Positivity attracts positivity and eventually you will surround yourself with what makes you truly happy.