My ‘8 Takeaways’ from ‘8 Rules of Love’

The book 8 Rules of Love has been on my 2024 bucket list and what caught my eye was that it was written by one of my favorite authors Jay Shetty. It took me longer than expected to finish reading the book because it was very enlightening on the concept of ‘love’ a word we use so lightly. Towards the end of it I got a whole new perspective about this emotion and how we can find it, keep it and let it go.

These are my favourite 8 concepts from the book which will stick around with me as I navigate through my relationships:

1. Find Solitude before Love: In Rule 1 (let yourself be alone) in this book says that you have to let yourself be alone and find bliss in doing so. This eventually brings you to Solitude (the glory of being alone) which will be the foundation for love in your life. I totally agree with Jay here because I’ve experienced this myself during the COVID lockdown. People were going to any lengths to have a partner online or draw attention towards themselves to seek validation and love from other people because they didn’t want to be by themselves. A lot of people have this misconception that if you’re alone you’re probably categorized as an unloved loser who will die a sad lonely death. This is the root cause for so many rushed relationships which eventually result in heartbreaks. One must find solitude and learn to love their own selves instead of expecting others to fill their cup of love or fix the emotional damage caused by the past. Find yourself before you begin the search to find your true love.
2. Know your Fight Style: This is a concept from Rule 6 (Win or lose together) and this is such an eye-opener for me. Jay says that just as there are different love languages there also exist different fight languages. There is also a quiz curated by him at www.fightstyles.com that helps you find your fight style to help you understand your communication style better. The broad categories are Venting, Hiding and Exploding. Each of these fight styles are based on one’s personality and gives us an approximate result of why we fight the way we fight and how we can understand each other’s fight styles. This is a great concept to dwell into and has helped me resolve my relationships a lot. I am a ‘hiding’ fight style while my partner is a ‘venting’ fight style so now we both know how the other person will react whenever hell breaks loose and how we can communicate better to improve our relationship.
3. The Breakup Reality: This concept is from Rule 7 (You don’t break in a breakup) that mentions why Rule 1 (let yourself be alone) is important before you dive into any relationship. If you have not appreciated being in solitude then you might end up staying in your relationship for too long because you cannot imagine being single again. The bitter truth is you dislike your own company and you’re trying to shadow into your partner’s attractive personality, fooling the world that you’re equally fun as your partner. At times you might not like certain things about your partner or certain beliefs that they have or certain ‘red flags’ they might have but you stick around anyways because you feel you can change them and not be alone in the process.
4. We are still complete: The Rule 7 (You don’t break in a breakup) also mentions that the soul is indestructible as per scriptures and nothing can harm the imperishable soul. So even if someone we love breaks up with us, we feel a void inside that seems to consume us. In these moments Jay asks us to remind ourselves that it’s our relationship that’s crumbling and not us. It’s the expectations and plans that you had with your partner that are breaking and not our sense of self. A lot of us really need to realize this and hold onto ourselves because that’s all that matters.
5. The Pyramid of Purpose: This is a concept from Rule 5 that mentions the 5 layers that form the pyramid of purpose and how we should value these layers in our life to make something out of our true calling. It starts with the value to ‘learn’ which means that we need to devote time to learn as much as we can in the area of what makes you tick (your purpose). Step two is to ‘experiment’ what you’ve learnt and try it out on yourself to know if you can swallow your own medicine or it needs more work. Once you feel that yes, it’s time, go for it and ‘thrive’ to perform your purpose, be consistent and steady about what you do. ‘Struggle’ is a part of every story and the next layer is about that itself. Face the challenges that come your way and keep hustling. Finally, whatever ‘win’ comes your way, give yourself a pat on the back and celebrate it no matter how big or small it is.
6. Dreams don’t have to be big; they only have to be yours: This is another concept from Rule 5 (Purpose comes first) that really spoke to me. In a relationship its often seen that one partner sacrifices their dream to let the other partner thrive. This might be because of family, health issues, financial issues, etc. It’s always cool to be an amazing support for your loved ones but don’t forget your calling in the process. Use your gifts and make a name of your own, it can be something small but it should be yours. Many a times we hold ourselves back thinking it’s too late or we will never be able to make time, etc. Remember this, nothing sucks more than regret and if you really want something you will make time otherwise you will make excuses. If your partner really cares about you, their support will always be there. So, take the que and go for it!
7. Grief and Love: The Rule 7 (You don’t break in a relationship) also quotes “If we’re not open to losing, we’re not open to loving” by Tara Brach. We cannot forever protect ourselves from heartbreak or grief. We will need to experience it, learn from it, heal ourselves and dive back into life. Every bad experience has a learning lesson we can build upon. At times these are mirrors giving you a reality check on what you need to build on or improve going forward in life so that the grief can lead you to a love you are destined to find.
8. We are defined by what we accept: Finally, my favorite takeaway from this book comes from a concept called Redefine your value in Rule 7 that highlights just how important it is that we know our worth. We need to place ourselves exactly where we belong in order to be valued correctly. There’s a story found in this part of the book where a child is asked by his father to take a shiny red stone and find its worth from different people. So, the child takes it to a baker, an antique dealer and a jeweller each of whom give him a different price quote. We are like the child and our qualities are like the shiny red stone. Different people will value our qualities differently. Part of a breakup makes the person who valued us like their whole world treat us like a worthless stone. But we have to remember that we are devalued by only them. This is why we have to know our own worth and find someone who values us for who we truly are.

To conclude, I read an interesting zen story in the book about the crocodile and monkey who wanted to cross the river. The monkey wanted a banana which was on the other side of the river. The crocodile sees the desire of the monkey for the banana and offers to carry him across. The monkey readily jumps on the crocodile’s back and they begin the journey. In the middle of the river the crocodile snaps and tells the monkey that he was tricked and now he will eat him. At this moment the monkey smartens up and tells the crocodile that he has left his heart on the other river bank and that’s the most delicious part of him. So, if he wants, he can fetch it for the crocodile so that he can eat him completely. The greedy crocodile takes the bait and carries the monkey to the other bank. The monkey jumps off and flees for his life. The moral of the story is when dealing with crocodiles, leave your heart at home and be careful who you choose to be vulnerable with.

With that I come to the end of this short book review and my 8 takeaways from 8 rules of love. There are so many more pearls of wisdom shared by Jay in each of the chapters that are thought provoking and explained beautifully in detail. If you’re someone like me who likes to hop on the Zen side of life and love, this is a must read. Happy reading!